Ask QC: I’m Confused, Lost and Different

Hi QC,

I really hope that you can give me some good advice that will help me
out. I’m sure you probably hear this often, but I live a very straight lifestyle and I’ve had very little contact with the gay community – not to say that I’ve had none, just very little.

My city (Dallas,Texas) in my opinion is probably one of the gayest cities in the U.S. I think.. my problem is my attraction as I have a very strange attraction when it comes to men!

For some reason every guy that I like happens to be straight. I know most people think it’s the typical closet case, but I don’t even get aroused with gay porn. I enjoy watching men masturbating, but I enjoy straight porn. I also have a very hard time
separating feeling of friendship for actual emotions of love. I’ve fallen for my best friend (sad I know, but that’s another story!)

I’ve gone out to our gay scene here and can’t find anyone that interests me, I’ve tried “dating” a few guys and it never goes anywhere. It has nothing to do with them and they see nothing wrong with me, however, when I’m with a guy for some reason it just doesn’t feel right. I only feel that attraction to certain guys and they always end up being straight.

And I’m not talking about extremely Macho guys either, they could considerably be
mistaken for gay guys themselves. Now the guys that I have tried to “hook-up” with I’ve only gone as far as oral sex with them and afterwards I have this extreme feeling of regret and shame. I’ve tried receiving and I can’t look at myself in the mirror afterwards, I’ve tried giving and the guys liked it but it just didn’t turn me on. I’m not sure why I feel this way but I do.

I’ve dated women and I have no problem performing and I’m fine afterwards but I know I’m attracted to guys as well. Is there a such thing as just enjoying the view of another straight man without wanting to be with him?

Does this have anything to do with the fact that I was molested as a child and it sparked my curiosity while confining me to shame as well?

I’m too embarrassed to go to group sessions because people think Im making this up to stay closeted, but I couldn’t be more honest about this. As far as being in love with a guy goes I fell really hard for my best friend back in high school and was outed to him, which went ok at first. Then we lost touch and now he has so many kids and “baby’s mamas” I’m not even willing to go there, plus there is no there to go to anyway. We still speak regularly now but the feeling is gone, I’m sure he’s willing to fool around, but I’m not.

On that note I have a new friend whom I came out to about my feelings for him and he also took it surprisingly well. nothing ever happened between us, but I can’t shake my feelings for him at all. He doesn’t lead me on or anything like that, I’m just
weak about it. I like him a lot (with all of that said am I going crazy with all these mixed emotions boiling inside of me?)

Should I just lock myself away in solitude to prevent hurting anyone with my
confused outlook on my own sexuality? (that’s what I’ve begun doing) Is there anyone there that can keep in touch with me on this issue? It’s ok if you don’t even publish this to the site I’d just like some help. Please tell me this isn’t the first case you’ve heard like this
and that I’m not alone.

M22

Hi M and thanks for writing in with your questions and concerns. It certainly sounds like you’re having a difficult time now but I’m sure that there are plenty of readers here who’ve faced similar situations as yours? So dear QC readers what advice would you give M? How would you move forward in this situation, what did you do yourself? Where you able to seek help and advice from others in your area? If you have any advice or comments for M then please feel free to leave your opinions and experiences in the QComments section!
Need advice? Just send in your questions and the QCollective will get you some answers!